My husband and I both have very different personality types and modes of operation. We also both like to be right. Sometimes we conduct ours lives so differently we annoy the bejeezus out of one another, but overall we work well as a complementary team. Sometimes we even subtly pick up on each other’s cues and soak up the positives (though we don’t always admit this to each other because we are proud people). Here are a few life-changing tips that I’ve gleaned from my husband:
1. Using a 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash: This sounds like maybe not a big deal, but it is. Why was I wasting so much time washing and then conditioning my hair? I’ve found that the men’s products work just as well as the women’s one (they’re also usually much cheaper too) and this one halves the amount of time I spend washing my hair in the shower. It also makes cleaning the shower easier since there are fewer bottles to collect soap scum and have to move around when it’s time to scrub the tub. All those minutes add up.
2. Putting the kid to sleep and then walking out of the room. This one I learned early on, when our first baby was a little infant. My spouse and I take turns putting the kids to bed and one night I happened to spy on him as he was putting our daughter down. After whispering in her ear and reading her a book he gently placed her in the crib, her little eyes wide open, and immediately walked out the door. What? How does he know she’s settled? I remember wondering. But, she was just fine. It made me reevaluate how I was doing things and made me more open to learning how to help my child self-soothe and get to bed on her own. Now she’s a toddler and I feel like I still implement this same strategy, once the bedtime routine is over if I hear her call out, “Mama!” I often reply with, “I love you, goodnight!” and avoid engaging in her attention-seeking behaviors so she can get herself settled.
3. Saying what I mean when I talk. He often asks me questions like, “are you going into the kitchen?” Or, “ What do you want for dinner?” And historically my responses haven’t been answers, they have been questions in return. “Why? Do you need something?” Or “What do you want?” This drove him crazy. I was reading into what I thought he wanted as a response, when in reality he was just asking me a question. I’d catch myself asking him questions, and expecting him to read into those, like when I’d ask him, “What are you doing Saturday morning?” Instead of just saying to him, “I’d like to go to yoga at 7 on Saturday, does that work for you?” I am still working on this so when I catch myself inquiring about something and then not getting the response I anticipated I ask again, starting with, “My real question is…” and then making it clear what I’m really asking about. He’s taught me not to expect other people to be mind readers.
4. Not explaining my nos. And definitely not apologizing for them. I sometimes feel pressure from my employers and my friends to join committees or teams or group or parties. I used to try very hard to figure out a way to squeeze in whatever it was they suggested I become a part of. After having kids, I felt the hours of the day becoming far too packed with responsibilities and commitments, many of which I wasn’t that interested in doing. I saw how my husband easily said “no” and how this resulted in him having a much more laid back persona at home, while I was running around like a chicken with my head chopped off. I wanted to enjoy being at home with him more, which pushed me to start saying no more often. As it turns out, I haven’t felt any backlash and I’ve freed up more time to spend on what is important.
5. Taking a nap on the couch if I need it. Even if the kids are in the room. This one used to irk me, my husband would sometimes fall asleep on the couch when we were all in the living room together. I would think to myself, What the heck? He just assumes it is my job to take care of the kids! And then one particularly exhausting day I sat down and leaned my head back and my eyes practically shut themselves. When I woke up about half an hour later my husband was playing with the kids and didn’t say a word, Turns out it was me holding myself back from the occasional afternoon snooze, and just like he assumed I would take care of the kids when he needed a break, I could also count on him to take care of the kids when I needed one. This was a pretty life-changing revelation.
Asking for what I want on the job. As a working mom, time and energy is at a premium, so I want to make it worthwhile. Instead of griping about what isn’t working or what I don’t like about my job, I’ve starting specifically asking for what I do want to make my work life more meaningful and more balanced. And guess what? Many times when I ask, I get. As a result, this mama feels a little better about spending so many hours plugging away at work, since in the big scheme of things I find value in what I do and there is a lot about my job I love.
As much as it might pain me to admit that my husband was right, I’ll confess that some of the behaviors I exhibited in the past were making my life a little more complicated than it needed to be. I’m grateful to my husband for teaching me by example some of his tricks for making life run a bit more smoothly. It’s amazing how little tweaks in how we engage can make such a big difference in our overall well-being.